Say my name
by fanatic218
Summary: Fic where Ana isn't in the picture (no hard feelings) and Callen goes to visit Joelle after months apart when he learns his real name. Callen/Joelle patching their relationship back together.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N ~ So though it's been a while since I've posted anything last, this has been on my mind all season and I decided that I just had to get it out. Though I don't dislike Ana, I'm not as fond of her with Callen as I was with Joelle, so let's pretend for now that Ana isn't in the picture but Callen and Joelle are still broken up from where their storyline ended in the show and pick up from there!_

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A small sound broke Joelle from her book. It almost sounded like a knock on the door, but the noise was too timid and soft to be anyone she knew. Waiting a moment, she shrugged it off and turned back to her page. Seconds later, a definite, more confident knock vibrated through the living room and she put her book and coffee mug down to answer it. She saw his car in the driveway through the window before she even got to the door.

"Callen, we've talked about this. You can't just show up here unannounc…." Joelle drifted off mid-word she finally looked at him. "Oh my god, what happened?" she breathed, her chest tightening when she saw the look on his face. Callen's bloodshot eyes met hers as they stood in the doorway for a moment without saying another word. He looked down and shifted his weight as he cleared his throat, searching for the words he needed.

"I learned what my name is," he spit out finally. Joelle took a step back and opened the door more for him, an invitation they were both familiar with. Though he had been in the house a hundred times, Callen stopped in the middle of the foyer like he was lost, another behavior that was putting Joelle more and more on edge. Transfixed on the end table that used to have a picture of the two of them that was now filled with old books instead, Callen jumped when he heard her voice right behind him.

"What do I call you now?" she asked quietly. "Grisha," he replied in a whisper, the name still sounding foreign on his own lips. "Grisha Alexandrovich Nikolaev." He then felt her hand on his back guiding him into the living room.

"That's quiet the mouthful after just G," she said with a small turn of the mouth after they sat down. He huffed humorlessly. "But I like it, Grisha." Hearing her say his given name aloud broke him from the trance he seemed to be in and he immediately became more alert and aware of why he was there.

"I'm sorry," he said jumping up from the couch as she looked confused. "You were right, we did talk about this. I shouldn't have come over here without calling first, I'm sorry to bother you." Her hand caught his and yanked him back as he tried to walk away, not that he resisted at all.

"You're not leaving after that, Callen." She caught herself and took a deep breath. "Grisha," she corrected herself, and his heart pounded again at hearing her say his name. "This is big. This is really, really big. Sit back down and tell me how you learned it." Maybe it was the earnestness in how she asked, maybe it was the way she was making an effort to use his given name, or maybe it was because he just missed her, but Callen did just that. He sat back and down next to her and did exactly what he couldn't do before that broke them apart: opened himself up completely. Neither had any idea how long he talked about the mystery behind his family, almost finding his sister, discovering Arcady's connection to his father, finally meeting his father, and learning his name, and they didn't care. Callen didn't hold back, and Joelle sat there listening, completely engaged and hanging on every word he said. Somehow during the conversation, they shifted closer and closer together until like the old days a few months ago, her legs were draped over his lap with one of his hands on her calf, the other hand holding hers as she slowly rubbed his back.

When he finally finished, he met her eyes looking intently at him. He expected to see her confused, pitying, or maybe even angry by the things he revealed to have had done along in the process of finding his identity, but instead they were calm. Slowly, Joelle raised her hand to his face and cupped his jaw, sliding her thumb across the bottom of his lip the way she used to that made his whole body tingle. "Why are you here, Grisha?" she breathed, her face so close to his that he felt her breath on his face. Instead of answering, Callen closed the gap between their lips and kissed her, hard. Their kiss was filled with longing, relief, confusion, and just about every other emotion on Callen's mind, but it quickly transformed into desire when he felt her mouth open to his.

"Say it again," he said against her lips, pulling back a bit. "Say my name again."

"Grisha," Joelle whispered as she leaned back in, this time missing his lips to press hers to the corner of his mouth. "Alexandrovich," another kiss to the other side of the mouth. "Nikolaev," she finished before fully launching herself at him. Callen returned the kiss with fever, pulling her into his lap and holding her tightly to him. Though they had been apart for months, their bodies quickly fell into old patterns and almost without thinking, they found themselves in Joelle's bedroom, clothes scattered throughout the house along the way.

* * *

The next morning, Callen woke up to the newly unfamiliar feel of a woman tucked into his side. Inhaling deeply, he could smell the light rose scent of Joelle's shampoo and closed his eyes to take more of it in. His instincts told him that he should run before things got more confusing and difficult, but he couldn't do that to her again. And though he didn't want to admit, he couldn't let her go this time easily either.

Her question from the night before that he left unanswered kept running through his head and he knew that there was no avoiding it once she woke up. They had barely spoken since the break up a few short months ago aside from occasional check ins when one of them would find something of the others to return. He had been telling Sam that he was doing fine with the break up and transition out of a relationship, that being on his own is what he had been used to and that he was thriving with it. Deep down though, no matter how much he might want things to be different, he knew that him coming here didn't change the fact that his job was still his job. She didn't want to worry about him coming home every night, and he wasn't in any position to step away from NCIS. They were still at an impasse. Why did he come to her then?

Just as he was trying to come to terms with her question, Joelle began to shift in his arms, a tell-take sign of her waking up. For a small moment when she first opened her eyes, Joelle forgot about the months of separation and difficulty with coming to terms with his job and the breakup. Being held by him as she woke up was the perfect heaven she had been missing for months, and even once she became more aware of what had happened last night, she tried to hold onto that feeling as long as she could.

Neither knew how long they laid there quietly, knowing the other was awake but not wanting to be the one to break the moment and bring them crashing back to reality. Finally, Joelle rolled around to face him. "Good morning," she said with a small smile to let him know that she didn't regret the night before. His response was to move a piece of her hair out of her face and leave his hand cupping her cheek. Callen took a deep breath.

"I came here last night because I was so confused coming back from Russia. I've been searching for who I am for so long, and finally finding out set me on a tailspin," he said. She flinched. So he came here because he was confused and not thinking straight. This is not how she wanted this conversation to start. Callen seemed to sense her disappointment and detachment because he pulled her closer.

"I didn't know what to do or where to go. I drove for hours after we got off the plane thinking about everything I knew about myself up to this point and what else was still out there, and then I found myself in front of your house. And at first I was confused as to why I was here and then I realized that the only person who has ever wanted to know the real me – not because they have to, but because they want to – is you." Callen's voice began to crack and tears filled Joelle's eyes. "I need you, Jo," he said with a shaking voice. "And I know it's not fair and I'm sorry that I still came because it doesn't change anything, but I just…" Callen trailed off, not knowing how to finish and emotionally drained from the past 72 hours.

Joelle sniffed to hold back the tears. "I'm glad you came. I want to be there for you, Callen, no matter what we are." She moved her hand up to hold his. "You still matter to me, Grisha," she said as confidently as she could. And though she meant it, part of her was contemplating how to put the pieces back together when he would have to leave again.

She was about to say more when the sound of her alarm clock went off, signaling time for her to get ready for work. Callen reached over her and turned it off for her, as she continued to lay still thinking about the words to say. Finally, she looked up at him and kissed him slowly more one time. "I have to get ready for work, but today's Friday. Do you, uh, want to come over tonight for dinner?" she asked tentatively. Just because he need her last night didn't mean he'd be back for good, she reminded herself.

 _All in,_ Callen though. "Why don't I pick you up at 7? We'll go to Norman's," he recommended. She smiled, knowing there was no way he could have forgotten the significance of that place. When they had first started dating, it was their favorite closest equal distance from both their houses, a casual diner where they hashed out the logistics of what their relationship would be with his work. Going back there meant something.

"I'll see you at 7 then."

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A/N ~ So there's the first part! Not 100% sure where I'll end up taking this so reviews will be taken into consideration!

xoxo fanatic218


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N ~ Thank you for the reviews and encouragement! I know that this story is a little different and off the beaten path, but I'm glad that it's working for people so far. Enjoy chapter 2!_

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It was ten 'til 7, but Joelle had been ready for the last 20 minutes, walking around her house fixing already-perfectly placed things around the living room to kill nervous energy. Though their pub was casual and she didn't feel the need to dress up for their dinner, she had spent all afternoon once she was back from school making sure her hair and makeup was flawless in the way that looked like it took no effort. Throwing the hairbrush down on the counter with a huff, she cursed herself for caring this much. Never had she spent this much time getting ready for a date with Callen…Grisha. It had always been so natural to be with him and aside from worrying about work, carefree.

A firm knock on the door pulled her out of her thoughts and she turned off the lights on her way to the door. Grabbing her purse and putting her shoes on before answering, she thought it would be best if he didn't come in the house. There'd be no guarantee they'd leave for dinner.

Swinging the door open, she noticed that Callen looked much more relaxed and controlled than the night before. His ability to center himself amazed her. "You look beautiful," he greeted her, causing Joelle to blush. "Ready?" he asked. The question carried more weight than just leaving for dinner, and they both knew it. She nodded. "Let's do this."

The ride to the restaurant was filled with small talk about their days and random, insignificant facts about their lives since they'd been apart. Joelle learned that Callen had finally bought a kitchen table (with Sam's extreme prodding, likely) and she shared her spring break trip to visit her sister and nieces with him. When they pulled up to the restaurant and walked in, they were immediately greeted by the hostess who always recognized them.

"Greg and Joelle! Well it's been a while since I've seen you two! And here we were all thinking you two had broken it off," the overzealous and nosy, but well-meaning woman called out to them. Laughing awkwardly, they both let the comment slide. The two were seated but didn't bother to look at the menu. Even though it had been months, Callen still knew exactly what she would order, and he'd bet that she knew the same of him. After more small talk as they ordered their drinks and got their food order placed, they decided to start the hard talk.

"I don't know what to do, Grisha," Joelle started. Callen swallowed when she called him that. "Is it ok if I call you that? Do you want me to, or is Callen…" Was his real name too intimate? She didn't know. He took a sip of his beer.

"You can use it," he said, trying to control his voice. "I like it when you say it," he confessed. Joelle smiled. That answered that. "But you're right, I don't know what to do either. All I can say is that I can't leave this job. It's all I know, it's my family-" She cut him off.

"And I don't want you to leave your job. I know it's who you are and I would never ask you to leave it." Callen let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. He loved Joelle still, but that wasn't a choice he wanted to make. "I just…I'm scared. I was a mess for weeks when we broke up," she confided quietly. That had been news to him. He hadn't taken it well either, going to the gym more to hit the bags a little more angrily, having an extra beer after work with Deeks, sulking until Sam snapped him out of it, but he had never interrogated her on how she was doing.

"My friends tried to take me out to get my mind off of it, I tried going on a few dates, I talked to Michelle more than usual in hopes that she'd just mention your name, and I was a mess," she said again. "I don't know want to know what it would feel like if I lost you for good." He knew what she was implying by that. A break up was tough enough, but if he died in the line of duty, that would have consequences for her that he couldn't imagine.

Callen reached across the table and grabbed her hands. "What do you want, Jo?" He knew what he wanted – who he wanted – but ultimately it had to be up to her. It would never work if she didn't know exactly what she was getting into and would stand by that decision.

"I want you, I want to be with you more than anything, but I…I need to know if you and I want the same things." She could tell by his face that he was confused. He obviously wanted to be with her again too, so what could she mean?

"We never talked about this before, or at least not much but I think we should now before we decide what to do. I want a family. I want us to live together, to get married one day. I want kids – I love kids – and I want you to want and love them, too. I want to take vacations in Seattle to see my sister and you to be there." She paused a moment to collect herself as the waitress brought their food. "I know your job will get in the way of some of that from time to time, and that's ok with me as long as you want to try. I can't do this halfway. I'll always worry about you when you have a case, but I can cope with it if that means that when you're with me, you're all in. Can you do that? Is that what you want, too?"

Callen was at a loss of words for a moment, and he felt like an idiot. Of course she wanted more, of course she didn't want a relationship that was anything less than his full dedication when they were together. He had always known that, why had he never tried to take that extra step? Before answering, Callen shifted a bit and reached into his pocket.

"When we broke up, Sam kept trying to get me to open up about it. He tried for weeks to make me talk to trick something out of me, and finally I gave into him. I facetiously told him I had never been in love before I met you, that I had bought a ring," he put a small box on the table between them without opening it. Joelle sat there stunned. "He didn't know I was being serious."

Suddenly he changed the tone to lighten things up. "Don't worry, this isn't a marriage proposal," he said with a smile and she let out a huge breath and laugh. "Not yet anyway, because I want the same things you do," he said, catching her tearing eyes. "I can't promise what will happen, but I promise that I'll try with everything in me to make this work."

A happy tear slid down Joelle's cheek and she smiled. "I'd like that," she said, nodding. "If that's what you want, too, then I'm all in." Callen smiled his first genuine smile in a long time. "And for my part, I promise to not freak out about your job and trust you," she said whole-heartedly. Callen laughed.

"Let's not let our food get cold," he said and she laughed, leaning in for a quick kiss before turning to her food. Though short and simple – and neither were fans of public displays of affection in the middle of the diner – the kiss held a sweet promise of their future together.

* * *

Later that evening, wrapped up in each other's arms in bed, Callen tucked his nose into her hair to smell the sweet rose scent as they drifted off to sleep. "I love you," he whispered, feeling her squeeze his hand and pull herself closer to him. "I love you, too," she whispered back, turning her head slighting to press a kiss to his bare shoulder.

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 _A/N ~ Finished! Short fic but it's a busy summer so I don't anticipate posting much more anytime soon. Hope you enjoyed, and as always, please leave a comment and let me know what you think!_

 _Xoxo fanatic218_


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